You Don’t Need Her Understanding in Order to Heal

Letting go of the fantasy that closure—or her empathy—is required for your freedom.

There’s a point in every breakup where the same thought keeps circling back like a dog that won’t stop chewing its own paw: “If she could just understand what this did to me… I’d finally be able to move on.”

But she won’t. Or maybe she can’t, doesn’t have the emotional capacity especially after what she did. Or what you did. And here’s the truth for you, the good news: you don’t need her understanding in order to heal.

The Closure Lie

We’re sold this idea—quietly, constantly—that healing requires closure. That you can’t walk away from someone until you’ve both sat down at the metaphorical table and explained yourselves like adults. That only then, after the mutual exchange of pain, will you be free. 

But that’s not how life works. The people who hurt you don’t always understand they did. They don’t usually want to acknowledge it, especially to themselves. People, including ourselves, are most often focused on our own self-interests, and this applies even to those people who hurt others the most, actual criminals. But even if your ex – no criminal, let’s hope –  does somehow understand what she did, you’re safe to count on her never saying so. Or to mean it. Or to care, really; because if she could have really cared, she likely never would have done it. Waiting for her to ‘get it’ is like trying to find shelter in a house that no longer exists.

What You’re Really Waiting For

You’re really waiting to feel seen. You want her to look you in the eye and say, “You mattered. I loved you. You didn’t deserve that.” You want the pain inside you to matter to the person who caused it. You want her to hold it, just for a moment, so you don’t feel like you’re carrying it alone. But here’s the brutal thing: she can’t hold it. She’s already dropped it. You’re holding it and that’s why you’re in pain.

Reclaiming the Story

The moment you stop needing her to understand, you start becoming the author of your own recovery. You stop writing a courtroom script. You start writing a new code. You stop asking for justice. You start giving self-respect. The wound doesn’t vanish, but it stops bleeding. You carry it differently—like a scar instead of an open nerve.

The Effective Problem-Solving Way to Let Go

There’s dignity in silence with intention. I don’t mean silence with drama, or blocking with drama, or one final message. You definitely don’t need to send one more message. You don’t need to craft one final paragraph she’ll never read with the openness you hope for. You don’t need her apology to validate what you already know in your bones: You gave what you had.  You were loyal – or not. None of that matters now, if you’ve done her (and moreover yourself)  the justice of sincerely apologizing for your part. You were hurt. And now it’s on you to rise.

Not because she says that you can, now. But because you say that you must. 

How to Close the Door Yourself

Write what you want to say. Every line. Every accusation. Every apology. Write until the anger runs dry. Then fold it up and burn it. Say goodbye in your own way. Out loud. With a glass raised to the wind. Or a hand pressed to the wall she once leaned on. Then breathe. Then walk. Then build.

Final Word: You Are Not Waiting Anymore

You are not a man waiting for permission to feel whole. You are not a man who needs her empathy to begin again. You are not a man half-alive until she understands or your mutual friends understand. 

You are a man who walks away when it’s time. Who bleeds, then bandages. Who loves, and when love is gone—lets go. You don’t need her to understand you. 

You need to understand yourself.  And that’s not only enough, it’s the only understanding that will get the task of healing started.