When Post-Breakup Grief Surprises You in Joy

This morning I brought my old ’81 Cape Dory back from the yard to her slip. (Video clip above.) 

She’s been getting refit for weeks, and finally, she’s mine again—floating, alive. A new fast lifetime friend, an experienced sailor, helped me move her the two miles or so down the water.

There was a sun blazing of happiness in it I hadn’t felt in a long time. The glistening expanse toward Pamlico Sound, the gulls overhead, the expanse of sky, the thrum of the little diesel, the lines of pines and masts, the easy courage in the attitudes of other dirtbag sailors like me—you can’t help but feel the invitation: live life now.

BUT THE GRIEF

And yet, after that happiness, home alone at night, came grief. Because joy carries an impulse: to share it with love. And when the woman you loved isn’t there anymore, the ache rises fast and sharp.

Maybe you’ve felt that. Maybe you’ve wondered, Does this mean I’m failing? Am I back at square one?

Answer: Not at all.

This is part of healing. The way through isn’t to dodge it or suppress it. It’s to let it come, let it pass through the only way it can exit—through your own heart. Let it come and let it go. No stories, no fantasies, no “what ifs.” Just notice it, feel it, watch it, and let it move on from you.

THE COST OF LIFE IS WORTH IT

And what remains after? A little less pain. A little more magnanimity. Sometimes a lot.

This work we’re doing together isn’t only about pain relief after a breakup. There’s more ahead—more courage, more joy, more life.

But grief will still appear at the edges of happiness for a while, and that’s the well-worth-it cost of: being alive and open to joy. There's one door in the heart for all the emotions. One door only for all of them -- joy and grief go through the same passage through you. You can't be open to one and not to the other. 

It's also the cost of love -- love for yourself; love for her in a different, boundaried, moved-on way; and love for this wonderful reality in which we live (it's just outside of your front door.)

So take heart. The water is wide, the roads lead anywhere you want, and there is life to be lived.

Fair winds,
David Wimberley

P.S. If you need more guidance on how to face those moments when the grief feels sharp and sudden, my course on breakup recovery for men is built to walk you through it—step by step. You can learn more here.